Food for thought

Trust is built when someone is vulnerable and not taken advantage of. – Bob Vanourek

So I've been a ghost here at the Order for going on two months despite my fellow Knights reaching out with concern for my well being or simply wondering what I've been up to. During this time I have been publicly visible at other places in the online Jedi community and also popping up here and there on social media. This obviously could make it appear that my absence here had a purpose, or at the very least was not arbitrary. While this wasn't my intention, I see how it looks from the perspective of my brothers here who rely on me to do what I committed to as a Knight and Officer here.

Without any lame attempt at apology or making excuses, instead I'd like to offer a few explanations as to why I think I've behaved the way I have and what I plan to do about it.

First, I still hold positions of responsibility at TOTJO and there has been a measure of upheaval there once again. People are resigning positions, behaving in ways that are unbecoming of their titles or offices, and also breaking rules that are resulting in disciplinary actions that are often confusing and not always consistent. The level or lack of transparency across the organization has also added to a general feeling of mistrust and suspicion that makes honest and open communication difficult. Anyway, I'm preaching to the choir here as I know anyone reading this as I write it today already knows all about it. IN an effort to uphold my obligations to TOTJO, I have been pulled into that time suck that can make me forget or neglect other things and people important to me. I need to find the appropriate balance again.

Second, my health situation has been all over the place. Physically and emotionally, I have been putting myself through trials that I fully believed I could handle, but I am finding that despite my most positive outlook, I am not Superman. I had the surgery to implant the liver pump only to learn that my liver was not responding nearly as well as we had hoped. So the surgery, recovery, and chemo was pretty much all for nothing.

The next option was an exciting clinical trial using new gene therapy technology. After a CT Scan, EKG, blood tests, and a tumor biopsy guided by ultrasound of my liver, I passed every single requirement for the trial except one. It was some number in a blood test indicating that there was some inflammation somewhere in my body that might put me at risk for kidney damage should I take this new experimental medication. Of course I am inflamed. I have tumors all over my liver and on the bones in my hip! UGH! One freakin' number out of hundreds disqualified me from treatment that could save my life. I was extremely frustrated and my wife was devastated. I wasn't sure I was going to get back up and keep fighting after that one.

Thankfully, there was another option. It is a less glamorous and less exciting clinical trial involving chemo in pill form. One medication is well established and already approved by the FDA, but this trial adds a second experimental drug to the mix that will hopefully boost the effects of the first drug and make it more effective at treating and killing cancer. I immediately qualified, so I took the chance. I've been on the drugs for a month, and for the first time since my cancer fight began, I'm experiencing side effects the way people actually describe them. The fatigue is kicking my ass (I get tired taking a shower or even eating). My hair is thinning and now I'm getting really bad acne on my face, neck and back. It gets itchy and bleeds sometimes. I've had some nausea and loss of appetite that I have to control with another medication and now I get heartburn too. Sometimes I am constipated, but nearly every bowel movement is an adventure as I don't know what to expect.

Anyway, the point of my ramblings is that between my work, family, TOTJO, my ever changing health situation, and being on narcotic pain medication, my ship is definitely adrift at the moment. I need to take a day or two to take control of the wheel and really concentrate on getting my priorities in order. This Order is high on that list and I want to do a better job demonstrating that. Please have some patience with me while I get things situated this week and recommit to my mission here.

Thank you all (Wes and jzen especially) for understanding and giving me the freedom to wander off into the mist. I'm slowly finding my way back out .

My friend, life throws things at us all the time. You have to deal with what you can how you can. Your health is of the upmost importance! If you need time, take time. And do so without worry. We’ll be here

And we want to make sure that you are able to be here for a long time as well. You are a brother, a friend, a fellow Knight and you are loved.

I always enjoy when you are able to participate; but, don’t overdo it. And I’m sure you know, don’t forget to make time for your family as well.

Thank you, Wes. Sincerely, I appreciate your compassion.

My current emotional dilemma seems to be that I am feeling like the little time I do have outside of caring for my health and being a part of my family is being spent the wrong way. I've been making choices to exert effort in areas with less spiritual reward, which is something I should be extra aware of given the fragile nature of my own spirituality right now.

This Order has always been a philosophical and spiritual haven for me and recently I have abandoned it for perhaps more exciting, but less fulfilling pursuits elsewhere. I need to return to my home

You know we're always here for you and to reiterate Wes's words, you need to take case if yourself I think it's an odd time in general around here.... Wes is moving, I'm preparing for the priesthood, and Serenity is working on school. I know most days recently, I can only get on to say hello. Your situation is totally understandable, and I hope you never feel like you have to explain yourself with us. We're your brothers and we're here for you. If you need anything, let us know

Today is Thanksgiving in the U.S.
A time for looking back and being grateful for the blessings we have.

I am thankful for my job that keeps my family fed and provides me the opertunity to help others.

I am thankful for my family and the love we share.

And I am thankful for my family here, the members of the Monastic Order of Knights.

It is my hope that each of you are blessed with love today and every day. And that you are able to share that with others, especially those in need this holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving,
I love you all...
Knight Commander
Wes

Bless you and your family too Sir Wescli

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” “The soul is healed by being with children.” “On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.” “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” : Ernest Hemingway

“Using the analogy of the human mind as a computer, gossip can be compared to a computer virus. A computer virus is a piece of computer language written in the same language all the other codes are written in, but with a harmful intent.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements